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Jokes
Funny Doctor's notes.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. trevor could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the craps.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
10 things not to say on your anniversary
Sunday at 11
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20 fun things to do in a movie theater.
Note* You may need to bring a trustworthy friend to do a couple of these.
1. Go to order a large popcorn(like the biggest one they have). When they give it to you, look at it, then throw it on the floor angrily and start crying for no reason.
2. Wait until there's a funny part in the movie. When the laughter starts to die down, scream at the top of your lungs.
3. Before the movie starts, sit near the front. Start moaning loudly and dancing wildly.
4. At the end of the movie, when the credits are rolling, stand up quickly and try to convince everyone that there's a secret scene before the credits end. While everyone stays to watch the "Secret Scene"(which does not exist) stand up and leave without anyone noticing.
5. Pretend to cough wildly and die when the trailers are playing.
6. If the theater is packed and a stranger sits next to you, go "Oh my god, is... is that you?" From here you can take many approaches. One is,"I haven't seen you in ages! Give your buddy a hug!" Another is,"You lying jerk! What the heck were you thinking?" Angrily move to another seat if you choose the latter.
7. Try to see how many pieces of popcorn you can put in the hair of the person in front of you without them noticing.
8. Come inside the theater in the middle of a movie. Walk along the front where everyone can see you. Trip and fall, then quietly slip out of the theater.
9. During the movie, keep turning around to look at the person behind you in an annoyed manner. As if they through popcorn at you or something.
10. Get a group of friends to walk into a theater as a crowd of zombies. Limp and moan your way to your seats.
11. Go to the front where you buy the tickets. Order tickets for 3 different movies that all start at the same time. When the ticket seller asks you about this, walk out and don't come back.
12. Wear a really tall hat and sit in front of someone. When they ask you to take it off, take out a pair of scissors and start destroying the hat.
13. Wear and eye patch and buy some popcorn. When your in the theater, ask everyone around you in a sinister voice(and a British accent) "Would you... would like some of my...my popcorn Sir or Madame?" Say the Sir or Madame part to everyone, even if you know if it's a man or woman.
14. Shout one word: FIRE!!! Then run.
15. Sit in the back and bring a water bottle. In the middle of the movie, say very loudly, "Dang, when is this movie gonna end? Gotta pee. Gotta pee!" Open the water bottle slightly and spray the people near you.
16. Wait until someone sits next to you. Wait a while, then pretend to fall asleep. Snore in an annoying way and drool as much as you can.
17. Get a cell phone and put the volume all the way up. Get the ringtone from the series 24 if possible. If you can't get that ringtone, get one that sounds very professional and serious. Have a friend call you during a quiet scene. Answer it loudly and say, "Dang it! They're here... right now? I knew this day would come." Get up to leave and before you exit say, "Ladies and gentlemen, there's no need to be alarmed. Now I need you to listen to me. STAY IN THIS THEATER UNTIL I COME BACK." Then run out humming the Mission Impossible theme.
18. Near the end of the movie, say "Holy elevators Batman!" then run out.
19. Sit at the top and block the projection with your hand.
20. After the movie ends, run to the bathroom and sit on the floor and cry. When people ask what's wrong, tell them that the movie scared you(works even better if it was a comedy or an animated film).
Have fun guys!
20 fun things to do at the mall
Note* To maximize effect of said actions, wear a blue bandanna, tight short shorts, and a shirt with Spongebob Squarepants' face on it.
1. Go down the up escalator and start yelling angrily when you realize that you aren't moving.
2. Get on an escalator, then wait until there's a lot of people behind you. Trip and fall at the bottom or top and don't get up.
3. Go to a vending machine and order a can of soda. Then take it out, shake it up, and leave it in the machine and wait until someone comes.
4. Play hide-and-seek Mall edition. Get two of your friends and make sure everyone has cell phones. Have one person hide and then have the hider call the seekers and give them a clue as to where he is hiding. Then, run around while talking on your cell phone so you look like you came out of the Matrix movie.
5. Go around making odd realizations. (Ex. "Oh my God! The Pepsi cans are blue, and coke cans are red! BUT THEY'RE THE SAME!) Talk very loud when you do this.
6. Walk around acting like a zombie(Limp, moan). BONUS Get your friends to come and see how big of a crowd you can make!
7. Wait until the holidays(Christmas, Easter) and take a picture with the mascot. Then run around the mall showing everyone.
8. Sit by the fountain and pretend to fall in. Then refuse to get out.
9. Go into a very fancy store(tux store, jewelry) and repeatedly ask where they keep the pretzels, with growing impatience.
10. Find a massage chair in the mall and use it. When you're done start screaming that they ruined you're back. When someone asks you if you're okay, run away as fast as you can.
11. Go near a bathroom and then ask someone where it is. When they point it out to you, give them a dirty look and walk away.
12. Go to a clothing store and buy clothes that is for the opposite sex and is 10x too big for you. Return it in 20 minutes, saying that you weren't quite "feeling it".
13. Go into a bathroom and stay there for half of a second, then run out as fast as you can.
14. Go to the mall dressed as a famous villain(Ex. Darth Vader) and ask people if they wanna play Patty Cake.
15. Go into a small store. Go to a corner of the store and rub your hands together saying "Excellent" over and over. See how long you can go for without getting kicked out.
16. Pretend to have a tantrum in the middle of the mall where everyone can see you.
17. Go to the TV section in a store and watch TV all day.
18. Walk around with a video camera asking people if they were involved in the Kennedy shooting.
19. Find a bench with someone sitting on it. Sit on the opposite end as them. Slowly inch your way closer to them until your touching them.
20. Follow someone around the mall while eating a pretzel. Never move the pretzel away from your mouth. Just keep taking bites, watching them and following them.
20 fun things to do in the pod.
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over
again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to talk to it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's screen next to yours, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
20 fun things to do in a drive through.
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mike with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mike, speak English and inquire as to why the order-taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mike at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking into
the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and then pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. trevor could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the craps.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
10 things not to say on your anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Sunday at 11
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was contacted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
Just then the clock struck 11…
And then……
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....Scared the heck out of me. So that's it! After today no more reading.
$5 Worth of Gas
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was contacted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
Just then the clock struck 11…
And then……
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....Scared the heck out of me. So that's it! After today no more reading.
$5 Worth of Gas
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt
George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing. Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right." Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20 fun things to do in a movie theater.
Note* You may need to bring a trustworthy friend to do a couple of these.
1. Go to order a large popcorn(like the biggest one they have). When they give it to you, look at it, then throw it on the floor angrily and start crying for no reason.
2. Wait until there's a funny part in the movie. When the laughter starts to die down, scream at the top of your lungs.
3. Before the movie starts, sit near the front. Start moaning loudly and dancing wildly.
4. At the end of the movie, when the credits are rolling, stand up quickly and try to convince everyone that there's a secret scene before the credits end. While everyone stays to watch the "Secret Scene"(which does not exist) stand up and leave without anyone noticing.
5. Pretend to cough wildly and die when the trailers are playing.
6. If the theater is packed and a stranger sits next to you, go "Oh my god, is... is that you?" From here you can take many approaches. One is,"I haven't seen you in ages! Give your buddy a hug!" Another is,"You lying jerk! What the heck were you thinking?" Angrily move to another seat if you choose the latter.
7. Try to see how many pieces of popcorn you can put in the hair of the person in front of you without them noticing.
8. Come inside the theater in the middle of a movie. Walk along the front where everyone can see you. Trip and fall, then quietly slip out of the theater.
9. During the movie, keep turning around to look at the person behind you in an annoyed manner. As if they through popcorn at you or something.
10. Get a group of friends to walk into a theater as a crowd of zombies. Limp and moan your way to your seats.
11. Go to the front where you buy the tickets. Order tickets for 3 different movies that all start at the same time. When the ticket seller asks you about this, walk out and don't come back.
12. Wear a really tall hat and sit in front of someone. When they ask you to take it off, take out a pair of scissors and start destroying the hat.
13. Wear and eye patch and buy some popcorn. When your in the theater, ask everyone around you in a sinister voice(and a British accent) "Would you... would like some of my...my popcorn Sir or Madame?" Say the Sir or Madame part to everyone, even if you know if it's a man or woman.
14. Shout one word: FIRE!!! Then run.
15. Sit in the back and bring a water bottle. In the middle of the movie, say very loudly, "Dang, when is this movie gonna end? Gotta pee. Gotta pee!" Open the water bottle slightly and spray the people near you.
16. Wait until someone sits next to you. Wait a while, then pretend to fall asleep. Snore in an annoying way and drool as much as you can.
17. Get a cell phone and put the volume all the way up. Get the ringtone from the series 24 if possible. If you can't get that ringtone, get one that sounds very professional and serious. Have a friend call you during a quiet scene. Answer it loudly and say, "Dang it! They're here... right now? I knew this day would come." Get up to leave and before you exit say, "Ladies and gentlemen, there's no need to be alarmed. Now I need you to listen to me. STAY IN THIS THEATER UNTIL I COME BACK." Then run out humming the Mission Impossible theme.
18. Near the end of the movie, say "Holy elevators Batman!" then run out.
19. Sit at the top and block the projection with your hand.
20. After the movie ends, run to the bathroom and sit on the floor and cry. When people ask what's wrong, tell them that the movie scared you(works even better if it was a comedy or an animated film).
Have fun guys!
20 fun things to do at the mall
Note* To maximize effect of said actions, wear a blue bandanna, tight short shorts, and a shirt with Spongebob Squarepants' face on it.
1. Go down the up escalator and start yelling angrily when you realize that you aren't moving.
2. Get on an escalator, then wait until there's a lot of people behind you. Trip and fall at the bottom or top and don't get up.
3. Go to a vending machine and order a can of soda. Then take it out, shake it up, and leave it in the machine and wait until someone comes.
4. Play hide-and-seek Mall edition. Get two of your friends and make sure everyone has cell phones. Have one person hide and then have the hider call the seekers and give them a clue as to where he is hiding. Then, run around while talking on your cell phone so you look like you came out of the Matrix movie.
5. Go around making odd realizations. (Ex. "Oh my God! The Pepsi cans are blue, and coke cans are red! BUT THEY'RE THE SAME!) Talk very loud when you do this.
6. Walk around acting like a zombie(Limp, moan). BONUS Get your friends to come and see how big of a crowd you can make!
7. Wait until the holidays(Christmas, Easter) and take a picture with the mascot. Then run around the mall showing everyone.
8. Sit by the fountain and pretend to fall in. Then refuse to get out.
9. Go into a very fancy store(tux store, jewelry) and repeatedly ask where they keep the pretzels, with growing impatience.
10. Find a massage chair in the mall and use it. When you're done start screaming that they ruined you're back. When someone asks you if you're okay, run away as fast as you can.
11. Go near a bathroom and then ask someone where it is. When they point it out to you, give them a dirty look and walk away.
12. Go to a clothing store and buy clothes that is for the opposite sex and is 10x too big for you. Return it in 20 minutes, saying that you weren't quite "feeling it".
13. Go into a bathroom and stay there for half of a second, then run out as fast as you can.
14. Go to the mall dressed as a famous villain(Ex. Darth Vader) and ask people if they wanna play Patty Cake.
15. Go into a small store. Go to a corner of the store and rub your hands together saying "Excellent" over and over. See how long you can go for without getting kicked out.
16. Pretend to have a tantrum in the middle of the mall where everyone can see you.
17. Go to the TV section in a store and watch TV all day.
18. Walk around with a video camera asking people if they were involved in the Kennedy shooting.
19. Find a bench with someone sitting on it. Sit on the opposite end as them. Slowly inch your way closer to them until your touching them.
20. Follow someone around the mall while eating a pretzel. Never move the pretzel away from your mouth. Just keep taking bites, watching them and following them.
20 fun things to do in the pod.
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over
again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to talk to it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's screen next to yours, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
20 fun things to do in a drive through.
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
2. Drive through backwards.
3. Belch your order.
4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mike with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.
6. Walk through.
7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mike, speak English and inquire as to why the order-taker had such difficulty understanding you.
8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mike at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
17. One word: Flatulence!
18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking into
the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and then pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
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| #1Greendayfan | jokes | 2 | Jun 24 2009, 5:43 PM EDT by daffy25 | ||
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Thread started: Jun 24 2009, 5:32 PM EDT
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whats up with the jokes about me i mean come on
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